January 2023
I have been perceiving this feeling of “we made it” for months now.
It’s as if there is a tangible sigh of, “we made it'' floating around like a breeze. I have been noticing this feeling, and it has been coming with more frequency lately.
At first the awareness would evaporate quickly as I remembered all the things happening in the world that were in direct conflict with anything like “we made it”.
“We haven’t made it anywhere,” I would tell myself, simultaneously hoping I was wrong and fearing I wasn’t.
But the feeling kept showing up through the Autumn and beginnings of Winter. I kept noticing it and acknowledging it. I kept the internal dialogue going around this idea. Have we made it? What have we made? Is this about people or the planet, or me personally or what? I kept listening, trusting a fuller picture would come as I continued to sit with it, confronting my own discomfort around this idea.
Why does this idea make me uncomfortable? (I would ask.) Because it makes you feel small and hopeless. You are forced to confront the beliefs you have around not being enough. Every time you hear “we made it” you remember the polarities surrounding you - the suffering and anger and tragedy that plagues humanity. Then you feel incapable, small, afraid of what comes next, vulnerable.
Oh. Right, of course. I have to keep tossing this very seemingly black and white truism around until I can see around it. This is how I have come to work through other thinking patterns that are rigid.
The more I allowed this feeling of “we made it” take up space within me, I began to notice different things. The discomfort was so big that it was overwhelming. Sitting with injustice and violence in every way imaginable is overwhelming to anyone. I began to see the value in grieving this. I went through this process of feeling emptiness and hopelessness for humanity, for Earth Mother as we ungratefully take and take from her. I did this for weeks.
Know where I landed after that? All the truly awful things I have done to others and to Earth Mother. Most of them were done out of ignorance and fear. I began to grieve these aspects of myself - I was angry at those past versions of myself for being mean spirited or disrespectful or egoic. I cried a lot.
Then things shifted. The next step after full surrender is a balancing. You naturally begin to bring more balance, because the polarity (in this case my feeling of not being enough and my resistance to feeling that created polarity within me) was able to expand and strengthen (as I kept feeling it and kept grieving it) until it *snapped* like a neurological supernova, and brought everything together.
I could suddenly see those versions of myself that behaved in ignorance and fear and ego and I could feel compassion for those Angelyns. She was behaving in the most normal way based on the experiences she had had in her life thus far. I saw her in my mind’s eye and I told her I loved her and I was so proud of how brave and strong she was. And the most amazing thing happened - I began to see so many of these external world things through that lens also.
We live in a culture that is driven by all of our history. Our collective history as a whole (culture) and our own personal histories as individuals. While we are not to blame for our history, we are responsible for our lives. All we can do individually is to keep growing and work through old beliefs, actions, and thoughts. As we commit to this growth as individuals and reap the benefits of that, we see growth in our communities, our families, our friend groups, and our world.
Some won’t want to be in the vibration of growth, and that’s OK. If they knew or understood what they could gain from emotional/spiritual growth, they might choose differently. This means you might have to keep walking without them. This can be painful, but try to understand it isn’t personal, they just aren’t ready to surrender to their discomforts yet.
As you begin to devote time and new awareness to your life, know that it is the most nurturing and nourishing thing you can do for yourself. It is juicy and warm, safe and comforting. It isn’t fast paced and overbooked and overtaken with anxiety. When you begin to feel any of those things, give yourself 5 minutes in silence as a gift. Or light an incense stick or a candle and put on soft music, or take a bath, or go to bed early, or make yourself a healthy meal or do 20 minutes of yoga. These actions are grounding because they disconnect you from the collective vibration. Try to unplug from technology more often - even for just a few hours a day. It makes a huge difference.
THIS is when you can feel, “we made it” fully. This is when it feels like relief. May 2023 be a year that brings us more relief.
You are so loved.
Angelyn
If you are looking for ideas on ways to bring about growth, try one of these:
- Read a book and reflect on it
- Take someone’s online class at your own pace
- Talk to others about ideas you have and ways you feel
- Go see healers who resonate with you and learn reiki, or how to cleanse your chakras or how to make herbal medicine or how to grow a garden
- Commit time to a hobby or finding a hobby
- Take walks by yourself and with others
- Have tech free days or times - I started with 2 hours (outside of work time) a day where I set down my phone and did not interact with other technology, start at a place that feels right for you and work your way up
- Learn to meditate and do it at least once a week
- Look at the obligations in your life and ask yourself how you can soften some of them and make them easier on you (i.e. ask for help, prep ahead of time what you can, pay someone to help you, organize differently how or when you address the obligations, place boundaries around communicating)
- Go see an acupuncturist, chiropractor, healer, therapist, massage therapist who can help you work through specific issues
- Develop habits that involve intention - Color of Kismet blends, pulling a card everyday, lighting candles with specific significance, guided meditations, etc.